I remember saying that I won't migrate overseas just for a better job and more secure finance. I love the Philippines. Although my citizenship says otherwise, my allegiance is with this country and so is my heart. But come to think of it and seeing everything that is happening here, like the church continuously pushing their say in something where the government has greater rights in and even threatening people just to send their message across, it is slowly becoming harder each day to bear with this..this.. close-mindedness. I want a place where people are free to think without being judged. I want somewhere I can talk to random people about what they think about life, strike an intelligent conversation. I want a place that's more accepting, more logical but equally respectful of everyone's beliefs.

Dear random stranger,

     I do not know you, thus the name 'random stranger,' but I have recently been fantasizing about you. When will you show yourself and where? I have been hanging out at coffee shops alone long enough. I have been walking through random streets in hope that you will someday see and talk to me despite the air of awkwardness I usually possess. I wish you would see through my introversion. I promise you, once you break the ice, you wouldn't even notice that I have this tendency to be soft-spoken in public.
     Although you are a random stranger, I hope we would find a connection, even in the silliest aspects of our interests. Or if not, maybe we can agree to disagree about something after bickering for five minutes and then laughing at ourselves for the sheer absurdity of it all. And afterwards, we shall see the beauty of our conversations, of how fluid and flexible they are, moving from one topic of relevance to a light one with no profound impact to anyone at all.
     Anyway, it's getting late and I still have to wake up early tomorrow. Please random stranger, show yourself and talk to me. Initiate it because I wouldn't have the courage to.

Respectfully yours,
Aldrin.

Conclusions

Yes, I have been making too much conclusions, too soon. It's not over since I still have this phenomenon called life in this hardly-functioning body that's slowly becoming dependent on nicotine and caffeine. Nevertheless, everything shall be in continuity; even forgotten circumstances, although I know they're somewhere at the back of my head waiting to surface anytime.
I'm feeling extremely stupid nowadays. My thoughts are the epitome of incoherence, I have trouble comprehending what people tell me and still, the ever-so-loyal commitment issues. Oh well.

I'm tired but my conscience would not stop bugging me if I deliberately fail my subjects. I have that internal drive that forces me to study and do my tasks well. I mean, what am I here for if not to study and try to exert my best efforts, right? It's just tiring sometimes, although there is no stopping to this sick obsession.

Looking back, I can just laugh at the absurdity of my actions before. I didn't believe in hokum like wishing at 11:11 but because I was so desperate and I had nothing to cling unto, I wished. I wished you would come back. You did but not in the way that I wanted you to, which is good because it got me thinking about what we have and why it cannot work. It's fun to laugh at the stupid things we did in the past.

There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how.

I couldn't expect you to be there waiting for me to fix myself up and come back to you. That would make me the most unfair person ever. I never gave any signs of assurance anyway, and I did neglect you. It just dawned on me how everything's over. We've shared a lot of highs and lows, and I must tell you, I enjoyed every bit of them. You deserve better than me, I can assure you that. I hope you're happy now. You deserve all the happiness you can have. I love(d) you.

It leaves me in awe how some people capture what appears to be eyesores to the naked eye and turn them into grandiose sceneries, its flaws into aesthetics, and the emptiness into substance. That is the magic of the photographers: the transformation of long forgotten or highly damaged edifices, the transition from something that might as well be garbage into relevant and thought provoking messages. If only my mind could work like a photographer does, then maybe I would see clearer answers and not queries in response to former queries too. Maybe I could better understand the depth in reason and appreciate varied viewpoints.
It is tedious to see everything in a blur, to question and be questioned, and to fail and settle for dead ends.

After a sudden influx of thoughts I so long kept in the closet, scared that they may destroy the illusion of happiness that I am trying to create, and after the nth sad song that doesn't necessarily comfort me but rather captures the sentiments tackling my fragile self, I have come to a hunch that what I may have been doing for the past few months was in the name of denial and pretense. It's not bad to be happy but it's detrimental to feign happiness because when everything you've wanted to not feel is stocked in a place with jeopardy lurking, one day will come and that cover will come crushing down and you are left with only bits and pieces of the gladness you once thought was already yours.
I have not felt loved for the longest time ever. I mean, yes, my family and friends love me and all but you know the kind of love I am talking about. I just need a hug, a kiss, a cuddle when it gets cold. I need an I love you when everything feels distant, sad or uncontrolled.

Being happy, or at least content, with my present major does not necessarily mean that I do not have other obscure thoughts about the decisions I made. You see, I'm a bad decision-maker and if only people knew the stuff I chose, then they could consider me an immoral idiot, not that I'm not okay with that. Anyway, sometimes I really wish I could say "I'm taking this up because I want to be a doctor of this specialty someday." Yes, that thought still lingers especially having batch mates who are pursuing this track. If only I did not lose my interest, and patience, for the sciences then I would have had a different major right now and I'd be worrying about Botany and Zoology like I've never worried before. Although this bothers me sometimes, I still cannot force myself to think of shifting. I'm not that science geek anymore and as much as I want to revive it, it's too late.
My feelings are a blur right now. And I'm too lazy to do something about them. Oh well. Save yourself, Aldrin. Before you are disabled.

I've a lot of time to figure out what I really want and need before I go and chase after them. Maybe the main cause of my dissatisfaction is how I tend to settle for what is being offered at the moment thinking  I need to take it for there might be no other chance. Maybe I was right, maybe there will be no other chance but that doesn't necessarily entail that it was a wasted opportunity. Maybe I just wasn't meant for it, that maybe fate had something more fitting to my disposition. I don't know if I am making sense but I am not giving a fuck about that right now. 
I've always thought I needed/wanted these dreamy stuff. But when I get them, I am left with nothing but disappointment. I guess it's time to take a break from finding and focus more on getting by.

If the world was less judgmental, maybe people would be truer and more genuine. The fright of prejudice constricts, causing us to engage ourselves in making these cover ups just to fit into a certain socially accepted norm. Break the norm and you might just end up being laughed at or criticized for being different.
I'd have to admit that there are far more things I could've been more confident to the public about if it weren't for the given counter reaction. Being a person conscious of how other people perceive him, the truthfulness to my identity is often compromised, if not concealed.

It's kinda weird having neutral feelings. And recently, these are all I'm getting. No emotional height or lowness. Since I was formerly accustomed to being so happy or confining myself down in the dumps, this state of being in between is something I have yet to get used to.
You see, nothing affects me profoundly anymore. A few days ago, I tried rekindling an old flame. This wasn't just an ordinary lovey dovey cheesy situation. It started with lust which eventually led to confusion and even more question marks. It wasn't the most moral thing in the world but when you're so inclined to something, nothing matters anymore as long as you get your fill. And I longed so much for the things we did because last summer we stopped. It wasn't my decision, I was actually left behind: no talks, no whatever. But then, an opportunity opened when I saw how the other party was having a hard time fighting the urge to engage in it again. Everything felt like a reenactment except this time, it didn't feel good anymore. It felt like a chore, like a forced task. And nobody enjoys forced tasks. To think that I almost deprived myself of a good last free summer solely because of everything, and then getting it back, and feeling nothing, even hating it. I've no choice but to end it. Maybe that's how good it gets. Maybe it's time to move on and explore the vastness that the horizons we decided to graze have to offer. This didn't depress me at all, unlike last summer. It felt great actually to finally get an answer to something so bothering I couldn't even concentrate whenever it came into my mind. But I guess that's it. Everything sentence has to end in a period, exclamation point or question mark. Otherwise, it won't be a proper sentence.

You are a stranger but when I saw you that night, I felt like I know you, like I feel your sentiments without even knowing what they are in pristine detail. I felt like I could understand whatever it is that needs understanding within yourself. I felt a connection.
And so, I spent the darkness jiving and dancing to your beat.  My heart raced as I felt you, closer and with every second, with every lyric being sang, intimacy flourished. Your arms were wrapped around mine, oh how good it felt. I wanted to just take you and be passionate with you, if only the circumstances were not complicated. But they were and I did not know how you felt. And you were under the influence leaving me clueless as to who you really were when sober. My awkwardness ruined everything and thus, alcohol totally blacked your system out.
And then the days went by without me hearing from you, and that's when I concluded that it was just one night, just one chance, and maybe just another coincidence.

It's weird to feel this way, to finally take one of your what ifs and immortalize it, realizing what really lurks behind that question mark. It's a big no. I really thought I wanted something so badly that made me feeling so desperate but when I finally got it, it's apparently not what I need. Now, I do not know what I need.

Brag

In this post I shall brag because I believe I deserve to.
My first college semester's over and the grades are released. I cannot contain how utterly content I am with the results of all my hard work, procrastination and cramming. I just have to continue my willingness to get high grades. As far as I know, I got an A in Zoology Lab, B+ in Filipino, English and Literature and B in Zoology Lecture. I could've done better but hey, my qpi's in the Dean's list range. I have a basic subject, Math, though so I couldn't gain DL status. Oh well.
I am happy.

I don't want to hope for the day that the two of us will hook up again.
Things are so rough without communication. And I can't just continuously try to decipher from your 146-character-or-less tweets of vagueness. We can't continue this. We're like two blind mice in a huge box trying to find each other through what's left of our functional senses. It's hard and I'm too damn tired to carry on.
Anyways, I know there's a lot more in store for me. I don't want to spend my precious time in waiting for something to happen when no one is moving to actually concretize things.

The time off school is giving me lots of time to formulate thoughts which lean more on life's lessons rather than the usual academe. And voila, the usual random sentences of profound meanings popped into my head again. I miss these. They suddenly disappeared when I was so preoccupied with school. I had no time and probably brain cells dedicated to this during class days.
Exhibit A:
You won’t realize the worth of fancy underwear until you have sex..or run around town wearing only your undies
I know, it seems kinky and green in nature. But digging deep, you'll realize its true message. You see, it's so much easier to appreciate things when we see their full potential. We usually observe the absurdity of oddities like yeah, underwear, we question why they need to have styles and designs when they'll be hidden anyway.
Exhibit B:
You can't just stop at every intersection. You won't make it to your destination on time. Sometimes, you have to be aggressive.
In short, take the risk sometimes. And probably stop being a pushover too. Show people that you have aggression within and that you can rise up and make yourself heard.
Exhibit C:
You can't just sit down all day and wait for things to happen. You have to make them happen.
Many people surrender everything to fate. But what they do not realize is, well although it may sound cliche, fate is in their hands. We are what we make ourselves, right? 

Semestral Break

It's my first semestral break ever and man does it feel weird. It's not summer but I've a really long rest from papers, tests and lessons. I'm snoozing my ass off while these high school students are still striving to get that high mark.

On another note, the extra time off gives me the opportunity to hang out at our bakeshop and help the staff out. I just love assisting them and plus points from my parents too, who sometimes give me money for working hard. Yeah.
Anyway, aside from having fun, I also get to observe people. I'm not judging them because that's bad. I just looked for trends and commonalities.
One very saddening observation though is how most customers ask so many questions despite the answers being in front of them, as they say in a Filipino proverb that if the answer was a snake, the person would've been bitten already. It's kinda annoying to repeat things over and over again when you know people can figure it out on their own. They always ask the price of this variant and that. I wish they'd ask more intelligent questions. And according to my cousin who regularly works there, it has always been like that with customers.
This brought me back to F. Sionil's article entitled Why We Are Shallow which we evaluated for our final paper in English. I don't know if such can be a proof of shallowness but it is alarming.

Death

It is an understatement to say that talking or asking about a death is awkward and very sensitive. Death brings out a lot of emotions from people especially those close to the departed. And as much as talking about it is said to be therapeutic, it is a topic that’s hard to decipher. 

Two weeks ago, I lost an uncle to stroke. Everything was sudden. He was a strong and energetic man molded by decades of working in the fields, and always had a smile on his face. He’s the eldest of ten children; my mom was the ninth. Yeah, they were relatively poor and farming was their only means of living. Being the eldest of ten kids, he had a natural sense of leadership.

I wasn’t able to attend his funeral because I was stuck here in QC. I really wasn’t able to comfort my cousin who’s really close to me. She sent me a personal message on Facebook and I started to do what I should, giving her words of encouragement and all.

But it wasn’t easy. I know how words could not really work their magic briefly when it comes to something so sensitive that it brings out emotions we never thought existed. No matter how I tell her to keep being stronger and that whatever happening’s a challenge that would make us better persons in the process, I know it’s still hard to accept the fact that she lost someone dear to her and it’ll take a lot of time for her to recover. 

I just wish she’ll go back to her cheerful self. I wanna see her smiling when I come back home.

I am here for a reason. It might not be clear now but I'm certain that everything would make sense, sooner or later. I know I chose this because I found something special, something that made me enticed to it.

I know that things would never be easy. They never were. I just took them easily. Now, I cannot do that anymore. The next three and a half years will define a good portion of my future.

Everything is much harder because our determination to stay is being tested. If we are happy, we want to stay here and we have our hearts and minds to back us up, then I see no problem with that.

Dorm life.

Generally, living in a dormitory inside the Ateneo is okay. I can wake up 5 minutes before class and still make it before the second bell rings. I can run back to my room when I forget to bring something vital. I can walk around the Ateneo campus at night where everything looks delightful and is with utter beauty. 

But even though the water pressure and heater here are way way way way way better than the one at home, the proximity to the school is convenient and the liberty I have is somewhat enjoyable, home still beats dorm life. 

Whenever I'm lying on my bed, I always feel so boxed..like there is no other dimension but this bed and I, and that I could not go beyond it. I feel constricted whenever I stay here. This is why I grew a fondness for long walks. I usually walk around Katipunan and the streets adjacent to it. Sometimes, for reasonable errands and sometimes, just to escape the boxed-up feeling. 

I also have the tendency to feel alone here. Although I've a select friends at the dorm, I really couldn't connect to them like the friends I've from back home. So, for the first time ever, my four-hour free Sun to Sun calls was consumed in just one night. Yeah, I wasn't much of a talker before. But now, I'd randomly call Leana and we share our sentiments about old friends and new experiences. 

Oh well. So much for that. 

Oh yeah.

I wanna know where I wanna be so I could start correcting my direction. Lately, I've been continuously walking but I do not really know where to. I wouldn't want to arrive somewhere and eventually find out that I don't want to be there after all the measures I took to get there. It may be wishful thinking though, to realize my destination on such short notice. Everyone has to try and trying means that there's a huge potential for error. I guess these errors are the direction-shifters, slowly diverting us into what we're really for.

Anyway, my first college semester will be over in three weeks. I can't believe I survived 4 months of the Ateneo student life. I'm not too proud of my performance, though. I must admit, I've succumbed to mediocrity just because........ I don't know. When you're in an area where everyone's better than you and every lesson's so much harder than what you've been accustomed to, you just can't help but to let it be and hug mediocrity like a comforting friend. I only do well in something when I know I've an advantage, an edge. When everything's stripped off, vulnerability strikes me. This mindset is killing me.

I really hope I improve next semester since I can say that by that time, I've adjusted well and I already know the measures. I have to get high grades so when time comes, I would qualify for Junior Term Abroad. It's what dragged me to SOM in the first place.

I also kinda lack maturity. I've always been going out, partying and hanging out, saying that I'm just taking advantage of my extra time as a freshman. Yes, they say do everything now or forever regret it. So yeah.
I've come to a point of questioning my priorities. Am I here for what? Partying or studying? Or balancing both? I hope I can live up to the latter.

I kinda feel alone again. That's cause I miss home. Even though I was with my sister and mom in Glorietta last Thursday, I miss them already. I know, just three more weeks of lectures and a week of finals then I'm off to Lucena for a really long break. But I can't help it. I wanna go back to my own bed and feel the comfort of being alone in my room where I can wear and do whatever. Hays.
Why does time suddenly slow down when you're near your desired moment?

Have I told you about how I love revel bars? It all started when my mom bought a few from Tokyo Tokyo years back and it was then when I discovered this delicious treat.
What I love most about it is how its good taste remains despite my buying a piece from different places. Right now, I get revel bars from the Cervini Caf and Bo's Coffee.
Let me tell you about the revel bars from Cerv Caf. Today, I decided to buy two but when I arrived, only one bar was left. So I just bought that one and a cookie. I opened the cookie first and I was surprised that it tasted like a revel bar. And I love how it made me feel good.
Ahhhh. Bliss.

Confidence.

When I was in high school, there was only one thing that I was proud of, and that was my writing. Being a campus journalist, I held pride with the words I delicately pick and scribble on paper. The back to back merits gave me the confidence knowing that people appreciated the insight I pour on my output. There also was this feeling of comfort, being in my own zone. People expected a lot from me and so I try my best to deliver.
But then summer came and that meant slacking off time. And to add to this antagonist's power was the fact that it was my last summer before college. So my mind was pretty preoccupied with living my life and there was no one to pressure me to write anything.
Then came college. My mind's full of thoughts now but they aren't as profound as before. I think my way of thinking has changed, pulled down to an almost shallow level. First, I don't have confidence. Other people sound so better and thus, I lose will to try. Second, being so far away from home is a huge distraction. I don't wake up in the same bed every morning, to the same sound of my mom's voice telling me to get up or I'll be late. Third, the standards of the institution where I am in are so much higher. I still have to adjust. And also, in English, essay writing isn't merely a splurging of thoughts, opinions and whatever you want to say. It has a form, a standard way of its creation. I used to be so opinionated. Now, the rage was probably buried underneath my psyche, together with my confidence; to think that this skill I thought I had greatly influenced the track I chose in college. Lastly, I don't know what to say anymore. Arrrgh ugggh shit

Being good at something doesn't just require talent. One must also be confident. Without it, consider your talent useless.

You know when something you hoped would alleviate your depression turned out to be a part of it? When you spent all summer dreaming about entering the university of your dreams and a few months after the first day of classes, you're all tired and gloomy and even more sad? When all you get is a D? When you promised yourself to work harder, which you did, but the outcome still proves mediocre? When you thought your writing skill would help you in certain subjects but then you lose the skill upon entering uni? When you don't feel like you belong?

A few months ago, I was dying to get out of high school and start anew. I was getting weary of the routine that I had been facing for the last decade and I wanted a way out. I thought graduation would be the time of my life. No, it wasn't. The graduation sucked. It made me feel so sad.
Now, I'm in college; a stage I've waited so long for...only to find out that it's not as enticing as it seems. Beyond the alluring brochures and overly described quality of student life, college is just not as good as it sounds. Or maybe it's just me.
I mean, the relationships with friends is not as tight anymore. People care less. They have circles of friends from high school who went to the same college. And thus, they continue to be together. What about me? A struggling dude from the province and a school that nobody has heard of. I have a few good friends but I still miss being one with a bunch of people, a whole section, together, one family.
I'd give everything to experience high school all over again.

What could have prepared me for this?

English, or as more properly called in my high school as Language Literary arts, used to be a subject I truly enjoy. During those times, I made the most sense and had analyses of profoundness. Now that I'm in college, I know for a fact that everything would be different-harder and more specific, but I never knew it would be this rigorous. I wish I had the answer to the title of this blog post though the more important thing is to probably convince myself to strive harder and achieve more.

Missing

It's really different to be far from home, from family and friends, and from a place so familiar that you could go around wearing blindfolds and not get lost. It's extra harder when you're in a place that varies from what you have been used to. From not having room mates to having three, from real comfort in the comfort room to having almost none at all, from encountering the same people every day to meeting new faces every once in a while.
The past day was rough. I had a hangover from going home and just got back in QC only to find out that classes were cut. I could've stayed for another day in my small, humble town. The amount of time for nothing just made me think of what I miss: everything. I especially miss my family. My mom who may sometimes be loud and forcing but I wouldn't get to where I am without what I've learned from her. My dad who I appreciate now more than ever because we connect now and I can sense the value of understanding between us. My little brother who I really enjoy being with. Which reminds me, it's my mom's birthday today. Dang, I miss home so much.


Post-home-visit-shrills

Hindi na siya nangahas pagkat ramdam na niya ang pagod, nanunuot sa bawat sulok ng kaniyang pagkatao. Sa utak: ang araw-araw na pamomroblema kung saan na siya papunta at ano'ng direksyon ang tatahakin. Sa binti: ang halos paga na niyang mga litid na tinabihan pa ng mga peklat na mula sa pambubugbog ng isang lipunang hindi niya inakalang pagtatraydoran siya nang ganito. Sa puso: ang pagmamahal na hindi na nasuklian, abonado pa. Ibinigay na ang lahat, kulang pa hanggang sa maiwan ka na lang sa kantong naghihikahos at mukhang tanga. Hindi na siya babangon. Magpapahinga na lang ako. Hindi ko na kaya. At siya'y humiga sa isang kalye sa Ermita, isang kalyeng naging saksi sa iba't ibang talampakan. Binalot na ng kadiliman ang kalangitan subalit ang paligid ay sadyang may kaliwanagan. Mainit subalit dahil sa kaniyang manipis na kasuotan at sa ihip ng hanging parang nangaasar at sa kaniya pa tumapat, nanginginig na siya. Ang mga butol sa kaniyang buto-butong braso at binti ay maliliit na ebidensiya lamang ng kung ano ang nangyayari sa loob. Isang yelo sa kaniyang katauhan. Isang kalamigan-kawalan ng init, ng pansin, ng pagpapahalaga ng isang lipunang kaniyang minahal nang walang panggigiit. Ngunit siya ay pinagkaitan.

I'm Back

So what's up with me lately?

I'm currently juggling adjustments from slacker-high-school-junkie to not-so-much-of-a-slacker-college-junkie. Fine. I told myself that the moment I enter the tertiary level of education, I would change. I would work harder because my high school antics would not suffice the rigors of college. I did, however, become a little more productive and determined but the results are even more mediocre than when I was in high school. I mean, I'm in one of the top universities in the Philippines. Of course, it wouldn't be a walk in the park. I'm in the Ateneo. Of course some hardcore smart people would party all night and still get an A the next day. That's them, Aldrin. You're different. You handle things differently and you have different capacities. I'm already doubting my intellectual capacities.

Right here, right now, I can say that I'm in the fine line between average and below average. Reviewing for my first long test proved to be futile. Okay, I did not review that much because the weekend before that, I went out drinking with friends but I panic-studied the night before and the eenie weenie hours before the test. So I passed. I got roughly 68%. I got a D. But you know what, I could've gotten a C if I had one more correct answer. You know how that sucks? I could've gotten a score far lower than the result and still get a D.
I guess that's just how life plays with us. It gives us a tiny bit of reinforcement and makes us realize how we could've done better.

Fuck life

Come back

I revive my blogger account in a desperate attempt to save what is left of my writing skill. I guess I have too many followers on Tumblr to give me an ease in expressing myself. I grew the insecurity and the fright that people might judge me for I tend to be very opinionated at times. And so I keep my mouth shut. And so, my feelings and objectiveness are hidden in the closet. But now, I shall try to come back. I shall try to write rightly again.

One last, wrong move.

I admit that I helped a classmate when she took the Economics test. I admit that. And whatever decision they’ll make, whether they strip me of my loyalty and curricular awards or give me low conduct grades, I will not be shaken. Whatever happens, I have proven my worth in my 12 years of studying in this institution. Whatever happens, I know what I’ve done.

Whatever happens, I truly, strongly believe that one mistake will not define me and my loyalty. It could not define who I am entirely. I am a huge system and it is a mere glitch; just one of the few things that would make my life a little less uptight.

As I said to my teacher in a conversation, I know that what I did was wrong and that I would accept the consequences, but I have my own belief system and I would most prefer not to conform to others’ belief. This is because people would always push their own definitions of principles, thinking that they’re always right. And I wouldn’t want to conform to that tattered version of values.

If only I would be given the chance to talk to the board of decision-makers..

While I was walking, I imagined the things that I would tell them.
Here's what I thought of:

I speak in front of you not to tamper any of your decisions. I respect whatever this mistake of mine shall cause. But I asked for this opportunity so that I would not have any regrets in the future. I wouldn’t want to graduate with thoughts in my head saying ‘I should’ve said this, I should’ve said that.’

I want to be a proper gentleman and face all of you. I admit that what I did was wrong. That I helped my classmate in our exams. I may have cheated but I didn’t cheat for myself. I cheated out of pity. Yes, it doesn’t change that fact that I cheated and wretched the sanctity of examinations but we all have different beliefs.

And I am someone who wouldn’t want to conform to others’ beliefs because of the scare of hypocrisy, insufficiency and injustice, just as what I am seeing in this institution. I have my own belief system and what might be wrong for me might be right for you and vice-versa.

And included in my belief system is the principle that one mistake does not entirely define a person. This mistake of mine will not define me nor will it define my whole stay in this institution. It is a mere flaw. One of the weaknesses that we have as humans is the inevitability to commit mistakes. Without mistakes, there is no learning or development. I do not know any of your life experiences but I assure that all of us have regrets. It is a hypocrisy if you will think otherwise. We all have that one, great mistake that we try to forget. As for me, I embrace them because without my scars and incurred damages to myself, I wouldn’t be here, speaking in front of you with all the courage that is left in my mortal body.

So, those are just my two cents.

Thank you and good afternoon.

What is Good Government to me?

     As we sip our morning cup in the comforts of our warm and cozy homes, the day has already started for millions of people living below the poverty line. Even before sunrise, their bodies are already drenched in sweat, muscles overworked, emphasizing the immensity of their efforts only to earn measly amounts of cash. Despite their perseverance, uncertainty is still prominent. They will still have to worry about another day; of another way to gain money once more. It is never a matter of quality for them. All that matters is that there is enough.

     And as our parents bring us to school with the most luxurious vehicles, children from the far stretches of the rural communities start their journey, oftentimes barefoot and with little food in their puny tummies. Their escapade ends when they reach their schools which seem to be forgotten by time, utilized only because there aren’t enough funds for new infrastructure. Don’t even mention the lack of teachers working to nurture the young minds of today.

     As we log on to social networking sites and play our sought-out games like Farmville and Cityville, farmers all over the country are tilling lands, planting seeds which will soon sprout into abundant crops, only to have more powerful forces claim authority over their properties and bagging the products of their hard work. They are left with nothing, inferior and slaved, they are. And to think that the lands where they built their homes, where they kept their families had been with them even before land titles and formal boundaries existed. It’s hard, unmoving and stagnant they are, without even an opportunity to gain better things in life.

     As air conditioning units, fluorescent lights and loud boom boxes are turned on in the sprawling establishments of major cities, thousands of families make use of alcohol lamps and coals just to shed light on their dark nights, unreached by the coiled electric lines of power companies.

     On the other hand, while this is happening, trees are also being cut down, plastic bags and garbage are being burnt and hectares of dump yards are filled with urban decaying matter. This will eventually cause calamities of natural and manmade causes. But no one wants to get pointed at. No one would want to take the blame.

     As we play with the newest and most innovative gadgets, somewhere in the slum areas, a child plays with an improvised toy of materials from the nearby dumpsite, using what he could. Styrofoam become boats, bottle caps as wheels and plastic sheets are accents. Unaware of the harm that these pose on him, the little child smiles, happily contented with the little amusement that his little contraption gives him.

     And as we sleep, thousands of mother and fathers board their flights, unready nonetheless have no choice but to embark on a seemingly endless venture for financial assurance. They’re part of the millions who have given up on the low wages offered and the lack of proper job openings in our nation. Hence, they endure everything, from being strangers in countries of different races to leaving their children and loved ones, missing and longing for their warm smiles and hugs. Some are lucky, getting hired into high-paying jobs but some have been chosen and tested by fate, facing exploitation, illegal recruitment, being taken advantage of and receiving deliberate foolishness from deceiving employers.

     This is reality. It is true that every day, every hour and every minute, there is suffering, generously scattered all over our archipelago. And as the times progress, their anguish and misery increases, only to feel trapped in a vicious net of never-ending harshness.

     We need profound change. We need a transformation that could withstand the tests of centuries. We need to feel, we need the concretization of a good government: one that sees through the societal status of its citizens, hence, giving everyone equal chances; one whose eyes discover chances of development where others found a way to corruption; one that is governed by leaders of principles and strong implementation of the sacred law; one that knows no bounds when it comes to the truth, the just and the fair; and one that will harvest the treasuries of the nation, utilize and cultivate it to provide a better place, of greater and equal chances for all.

     Yes, good government means a conversion of the putrid and criticized norm. It means realizing the faults and mistakes of the past and using these as learning experiences to make brighter futures. It should be an institution of light, making itself shine in the dark and murky tunnel that is our current situation. It will break the barriers between the supremely privileged and financially challenged, connecting them to organize a bond that will serve as a catalyst for sharing, helping and unity. It will go beyond what seems to be limited, pushing everything to the most positive of ways.

     Good government is what we need. For years, we had been continuously battling with fraud, graft, corruption and traditional politics. Words and articulations, here and there; the continuous debates and pointing of fingers are becoming all too familiar. All they do is talk, boast and outweigh each other’s philosophy. Most of them always promise with words of great allure, only for the people to realize that their intentions weren’t pure and conscientious.

     To raise the state of our progression is therefore becoming a herculean task, almost stripping us of hope that we so clung unto. The taxes that our parents burnt energy just to pay for should be justified with the necessary benefits, government services, concrete infrastructure and noticeable movement. And only good governance could make this possible.

     With good governance, we can wake up with brighter skies, clearer visions and fresher air; of a greater promise of tomorrow. The immoral shortcut of greedy men will be inexistent, thus, they shall learn how to use the righteous detour. Our natural resources would be preserved and used for our own good and not just other country’s indulgent desires.

     The poor can raise their heads up high and get motivation to work even harder because they would eventually see the fruits of their hard labor. Education will be restored to its natural meaning: a right and not a privilege. Everyone, no matter how gifted financially or not, will get quality schooling, to hone themselves, become better persons and contributing to a greater, more powerful economy. We could bid our farewells to the current system, the one that has been limiting us. Statistics would become a reason to smile, a reason to rejoice and not just misleading data, forcing us to think that the country’s gross is increasing when only the giants are gaining.

     For every child, a reason to be happy-wide parks, a safe place to live in and the opportunity for a better future. For every student, a potential to gain knowledge and promote one’s talents, ideals and skills which can be used for decades and for contribution to the development of the nation. For every mother and father, the guarantee of a means of finances, of chances to become good providers, of a choice to stay with their loved ones and see their growth. For every farmer, land to build their homes, build their dreams and share the desires for a better tomorrow. For every fisherman, not just fish, but a net to learn to stand on their own feet and indemnity of bluer sees with abundant natural wildlife. For every starving family, food and a way to be self-sustaining. For every barangay, a chance to bond and unite. For every city and municipality, a capacity to hone its citizens. For every Filipino, a reason to wake up in the morning with the greatest of moods. For the Philippines, a reason to believe in change, in transformation substantial enough for sustainability.

     A good government will take note of and provide these, and maybe even give more.

Of clichés, metaphors and life-changing lessons

  I boarded a train four years ago; clueless and naïve, I was. I thought I was ready and well-equipped with things I have learned in the past but I was wrong. This wasn’t going to be an ordinary trip where I’m simply obliged to sit down, help myself to a few snacks, sit back, relax and just savor everything. It was different because I was going to be the driver; the determiner of my own and perhaps even other people’s fate. I was in control, a task which I was not accustomed to. It was far from being a walk in the park.

     I committed a myriad of mistakes. The tracks were confusing-parallel and intersecting lines forming a kaleidoscope, almost impossible to decipher with the naked eye. The complexity almost pushed me to just throw the opportunity away and forget about everything: about this journey, about reaching the destination. But if I stopped during those times of solace and darkness, I wouldn’t be where I am now: merely 50 days from my final stop, almost ready to embark on greater ventures for even wider horizons.

     You can say that this four-year expedition is a roller coaster, a spectrum of sudden ups and downs. It could bring out the scared-y cat in you but you know you’d still want to ride, given the fun and enjoyment it brings especially when riding with friends. You can say that it is a battlefield, a competition of the fittest. But this one’s not the everyday fight scene we usually see in the theatres. This one’s a fight within one’s self: a constant bashing to avoid temptations and keep our eyes fixed on our goals. And you can even compare high school life to an abundant river. It continuously flows despite the hindrance of the environment. Nothing could stop it. It moves on in a pace that could only leave us in wondering. And it produces smooth, beautiful rocks worthy of great admiration, to think that they were once useless, rough and ugly.

     You could think of and enumerate a thousand clichés, metaphors, similes and comparisons but never really capture the totality and spectrum of this life phase. Nothing could ever epitomize its splendor.

     My high school life is a stage of formulating questions and answering them through concrete experiences. It truly is an institution of learning in itself, a specialty not known to many. I first walked the halls of the HS building as a kid, still in searching of his purpose in life. Four years after, I can say that I have matured, given a decade and six years of existence but I never really have cleared out my life’s purpose. Maybe, to realize that is an intangible death; a stop to move forward and keep on dreaming.

     It is a cornucopia of firsts and lasts, of hellos and goodbyes, of desires and fulfillment and of I love you’s and of imminent cries. It is when I got to taste the reality of life, its harshness which would eventually harness our inner greatness. It is when I fell down and didn’t immediately stand up. I opted to crawl for a while, to feel how it is being down, being below the social standards. It is when realizations flourished, each and every one trying to make a point, to be coherent. But of all my realizations, this one’s the most prominent: It’s not all about academics, about books and references. Nothing could ever beat the lesson of experiencing something firsthand, of relishing either its bitterness or sweetness.

     I gained a lot of friends and lost a lot too. I attained and I failed. I took things for granted and I gave value to what didn’t really matter. Nothing really runs smoothly. If perfection was a common characteristic then we wouldn’t know the value of being pristine and spotless. Mistakes made up a lot of my four-year undertaking but the more mistakes we have, the more we could learn and utilize them, become better persons and reach higher skies.

     It was hard. Tears were shed; signs of anxiety and sleeplessness appeared. Weight was gained due to stress-eating. The flowing of bitter liquor through cold throats coinciding with lit cigarettes, pushing smoke inside one’s lungs were great enticements. Depression was always present, ready to constrict me with great force. It was tempting to succumb to every negative but convenient choice. It was a way out of all the academic, social and familial pressure, after all. But it also is the way out of a better life too, of a brighter future.

     Four years will be over in less than three months. We will soon leave our humble abode, the one that has nurtured a great number for decades. But whatever may happen, whatever lies in the hands of destiny, I could confidently say that my high school life is far from being a waste of time, that it is my solid foundation, my building block making the fulfillment of my dreams possible. I could proudly say that I am ready to face what has been feared, to regain what has not proliferated and to transform what is seemingly intangible.