No, this isn't what you think it is.

I used to love her. I used to know everything about her with little error when asked. I used to have a harmonious relationship with her. She used to be beautiful with her simplicity and vagueness.
What happened?
She became more and more complicated. The opinions and facts told by the people around her didn't help either. They just made things worse. They never did contribute to better understanding. They led to confusion. They destroyed my relationship with her. And now, I must suffer. I must suffer through life without knowing the formulas and solutions to her problems. I must suffer and be unmindful of how she works. I will go through every day becoming less inclined to her. She is Science. And I wish I never did lose touch with her.

I'm having one of those off nights again where I cannot stop but think about what the future has in store for me. Could I help it? It's only a few weeks til the UPCAT and I haven't even reviewed. I dunno. I get extremely nervous and I lack confidence but I never do take steps to ease this. It's kinda like a seasonal fruit, only bearing products if the time is right. Oh well. I'd have to surrender everything to.....to whom will I surrender it to? Lol. Same goes for ADMU AND DLSU. I am certainly losing hope for the two of you. So yeah, I may be saying hello to San Beda. -_-

Ugh.

He is in a mode of forgetfulness. He barely knows his subject-verb-agreement and is getting seriously injured. He doesn't know what to do. He has doubts; a lot of them.

Grammatically Incorrect(?)

Using big words(ones that are bigger than you) doesn't make you any superior. Is my grammar correct? Lol. 'Using big words' is a singular verb right so "doesn't" is applicable?

Oh my. Did I just type that? Gah. I always tend to question myself especially when it comes to my grammar, spelling and vocabulary. Must be the effect of the upcoming entrance tests or am I really just losing it?

To lose is to gain

Aldrin D. Pabello

Ateneo Application Number: 003292

To lose is to gain

I wished to paint vivid images of people, landscapes and sceneries that never cease to amaze people. I got a brush, some paint and a canvass. I dabbed and I rubbed the bristles that made up the contours of my painting tool. Just then, I saw what I painted. It was hideous. It was a mess. I reckoned that I just wasted my time. Frustration got the better of me. And so, I accepted the failure.

As I was contemplating; staring at my hideous painting and looking at how far it is from what I deemed it to be, I saw a pen. It kind of sparked as if making itself distinguishable among its blunt surroundings. I held it; its cold and lifeless form. The next thing I knew, I was writing. There was something about the pen being between my shaky but determined fingers. I was scribbling letters which slowly developed into words, phrases, sentences and eventually, paragraphs which made an impression of who I am with great consistency, fine substance and enlightenment. That was the start of an exploration of words, a new experience of self-expression and development. Writing became an outlet, ranging from silly random thoughts to serious social and political involvement. With writing, I became something. I became a writer; a journalist in my own right. I have become conscious of my thoughts and surroundings. I began to explore and venture out to gain experiences and scribble about them in my notepad and journals.

With writing, I was liberated and confined as well. My thoughts were freed; my worries with regards to communicating vanished. But with this liberation, I learned to confine myself too. I have learned to balance freedom of thoughts with the effects that it may impose to other people.  I have learned to position myself between holding back and still managing to write what I want to transpire. Sensitivity flourished therefore making me a man with a continuing search for what is right. I have long forgotten my biases and I have become a man of justice. The balance of the social weighing scale is dependent on our decisions. We shape what our country would be and with my writing, I hope that I could somehow be heard to make a potent contribution.

If it weren’t for this serendipitous discovery of my talent, I wouldn’t have such opinions that I can formulate now. I wouldn’t have dreamt of a better Philippines; one that respects and gives every citizen what he deserves. I wouldn’t have been politically and socially aware. I wouldn’t have visited the critical, logical and objective points of view. I would’ve been just another folk, shutting his mouth when he should’ve said something and sitting down when he should’ve stood up for himself and for others. I have transformed since I have stepped on the ladder of writing. But there is something more significant to me more than this unexpected passion.

I owe what I am today to what seems like a brick wall to everyone, blocking them from attaining what they strive for. I owe these gained values to what usually stops other people’s tracks, preventing them to move on. It may sound ironic but what made me and is continually making me slowly transform is failure.

It seems absurd to say that something which literally crushes dreams is what has made me who I am. For starters, my failure to paint made me discover other things like writing which became my heart’s desire.

Losing, declining, succumbing, misery and defeat. No matter how we put it, these will always sound negative and crushing. Yes, one’s failure may mean bitterness. It may mean depression. It may cause hopelessness. But it shouldn’t always be that way.

When we were kids, we walked and ran to rocky grounds not mindful of what may happen. And when we fail to keep our balance and we sometimes get scars, what happens after? We either plan to never walk these rocky grounds again or we instill every ounce of determination we could get to grace these roads as stronger and more courageous characters.

The way we look at our failures is a choice. We can either let our shortcomings eat us up until there isn’t any hope left or we can stay standing, enduring the defeat and making ourselves stronger and better persons in the process.

I have surrendered myself to failure like how clay is offered to a potter’s hand. I have always searched for a brighter side at every dark momentum. If there isn’t a bright side, I always do try to make one. The silver lining of the darkest clouds always shine upon me, leaving me in awe and inspiration.

Failure. It has never stopped me. It molded me into a growing pot, endlessly being of service to the people around me. It made me a pencil, being repetitively sharpened when my tip breaks and metaphorically erasing my faults and sins. It made me go on and it will continuously do.

The moment I stop failing is the time of my intangible death. I want to keep running, keep falling down, keep on learning and  keep on looking forward to what life has to offer, and I want to do these at the Ateneo.

Thirst.

My thirst for assurance is making me really unhealthy. My mind is oozing with thoughts now about how sure will my future be. I guess that this is another one of my endless ventures for no one can be too sure about their future.

It's not that easy. I know.

I always seem to rush my life. I always long to be independent, waking up in the morning with only I to bother myself, earning and spending my own money, making decisions of my own and facing the effects of these, and doing everything and anything I wanna do without limits. I wanna live life.
But of course, it's not that easy. Life isn't that perfect, is it? Not every fantasy comes true. Not every want, need and aspiration can be yours. Not everything can be achieved.
Waking up in the morning without anyone bothering would make me feel empty. Earning and spending my own money has its own woes too. Budgeting, saving, priorities. Making decisions of your own is just tough; a second opinion would always be needed and you can't always reach those who can guide you well. A limitless life would just be too tempting. It would be too liberal, too loose and extremely prone to failure.

I guess I'm not ready yet. Who is? Even the most prepared, when times comes, fail. Even the most well-planned and organized tend to be ruined by circumstances. Even those little things which seem to have no margin for errors, are in fact, at times, full of ridicule.

As much as I want to, I have to face it. I have to wait. I have to get myself trained and ready, for when the time comes that I'd want to be free, I wouldn't want to cry out in pain, wishing to be back to my plain, dependent life again.

Unclogging

A few things we take for granted:

• How good it feels to fart at the comfort of our own homes. I mean, come on. Who wants to hold it in because someone might hear or something, right?
• The far level of comfort of bathrooms in our own house compared to public restrooms. It always gets awkward there and probably insanitary too, depending on the location.
• Hot milk/chocolate during cold weathers like this past few days. 
• A warm hug.
• A quiet afternoon at home, glancing at the window, looking at random people.
• People-watching. 
• Being barefoot.

Unclear

Cold and windy, dark and gloomy. Basically, I don't like the fact that the sun gets too much attention so yeah, I am partying at the thought of this wonderful weather. Aside from the hot weather making me red as a tomato and sweat like hell, the UV rays are slowly deteriorating anything that it could deteriorate. Whoa. What did I just say? Okay. My writing and way of thinking is pretty rusty so forgive me.
I shall stop now. Hayst. I am still procrastinating my Ateneo essay. I don't know how to make it the best damn thing that could make me stand out. -_-

Sorry, my dear buddy. I am rather hyperactive today. I just want to show/link to you what I did this summer. The link summarizes everything. BTW, I made the articles at the last page.

Draftie Din

"Ako ay Nauuhaw"

Hello again, my friend. Don't you find it funny how I just posted something a minute ago and now I'm back? That's how I missed you. Oh well. Moving on.

Yesterday, we were asked to make an essay based on the title "Ako ay Nauuhaw." I never thought about it at first but when I started to scribble, I felt like there was a closed part of me, slowly opening.

Thirst. Sometimes, we use laughter, joking and teasing others as an alternative to cover up our feeling. But believe me, it will come to a point where we have laughed all there is to laughed about. Sometimes, there will come a point where our symbolic throats couldn't take the coarseness anymore and we'll have to replenish. But we must remember that there will be a thirst that couldn't simply be lifted through drinking no matter how strong that drink could be.
The emotional thirst is the most lethal of its kind. It sucks the life out of anything that comes in its way. No matter how we try to juice it up, it could never absorb if given the wrong treatment. Emotional thirst asks a very distinct medicine from us and it is knowledge. What kind of knowledge then? Knowledge of one's self. We need to know what we are, who we are and what we want in order to fully understand. As said, it is the hardest to judge yourself.

Hayst. Sorry to cut you short, my little friend, but I ran out of words because the paper we did was in Filipino. :D Okay, friend? Let me go then.

Renaissance

Hello my little friend. I have longed for your presence. I need you in this time of journalistic incompetence. I need you to guide me, since to you, my friend, I express without limits and liberally. You know what, friend? I am already applying for the school of my biggest and most revered dream. I apparently need to make an essay and without you, my friend, I could not do it. I have noticed how my expressive level has sunken ever since we parted ways. But hey, my friend, I am back. And I am sorry for ever leaving you. I do not know why I do the things that I did but what the hell, at least I am back. I have a plan, my friend. Be on your guard when I would suddenly blurt out words that are of great relevance. I need them. I need to revive the writer in me. I need to awaken my genuine writing style. I need to rediscover myself.

By the way friend, I am doing alright thanks to X-Reverence. There's never a dull moment. And friend, I have changed in a lot of ways that I couldn't have imagined. I am now a constant loner. I may be seen around with a few people every now and then but I am still a loner inside. I do not know how to connect and open up this changed set of mind. I hope you can help me, my good friend. I must go now. Wait for me next time, won't you?


Your long lost friend,
Aldrin. :D