Confidence.

When I was in high school, there was only one thing that I was proud of, and that was my writing. Being a campus journalist, I held pride with the words I delicately pick and scribble on paper. The back to back merits gave me the confidence knowing that people appreciated the insight I pour on my output. There also was this feeling of comfort, being in my own zone. People expected a lot from me and so I try my best to deliver.
But then summer came and that meant slacking off time. And to add to this antagonist's power was the fact that it was my last summer before college. So my mind was pretty preoccupied with living my life and there was no one to pressure me to write anything.
Then came college. My mind's full of thoughts now but they aren't as profound as before. I think my way of thinking has changed, pulled down to an almost shallow level. First, I don't have confidence. Other people sound so better and thus, I lose will to try. Second, being so far away from home is a huge distraction. I don't wake up in the same bed every morning, to the same sound of my mom's voice telling me to get up or I'll be late. Third, the standards of the institution where I am in are so much higher. I still have to adjust. And also, in English, essay writing isn't merely a splurging of thoughts, opinions and whatever you want to say. It has a form, a standard way of its creation. I used to be so opinionated. Now, the rage was probably buried underneath my psyche, together with my confidence; to think that this skill I thought I had greatly influenced the track I chose in college. Lastly, I don't know what to say anymore. Arrrgh ugggh shit

Being good at something doesn't just require talent. One must also be confident. Without it, consider your talent useless.

You know when something you hoped would alleviate your depression turned out to be a part of it? When you spent all summer dreaming about entering the university of your dreams and a few months after the first day of classes, you're all tired and gloomy and even more sad? When all you get is a D? When you promised yourself to work harder, which you did, but the outcome still proves mediocre? When you thought your writing skill would help you in certain subjects but then you lose the skill upon entering uni? When you don't feel like you belong?

A few months ago, I was dying to get out of high school and start anew. I was getting weary of the routine that I had been facing for the last decade and I wanted a way out. I thought graduation would be the time of my life. No, it wasn't. The graduation sucked. It made me feel so sad.
Now, I'm in college; a stage I've waited so long for...only to find out that it's not as enticing as it seems. Beyond the alluring brochures and overly described quality of student life, college is just not as good as it sounds. Or maybe it's just me.
I mean, the relationships with friends is not as tight anymore. People care less. They have circles of friends from high school who went to the same college. And thus, they continue to be together. What about me? A struggling dude from the province and a school that nobody has heard of. I have a few good friends but I still miss being one with a bunch of people, a whole section, together, one family.
I'd give everything to experience high school all over again.

What could have prepared me for this?

English, or as more properly called in my high school as Language Literary arts, used to be a subject I truly enjoy. During those times, I made the most sense and had analyses of profoundness. Now that I'm in college, I know for a fact that everything would be different-harder and more specific, but I never knew it would be this rigorous. I wish I had the answer to the title of this blog post though the more important thing is to probably convince myself to strive harder and achieve more.