Because I was deeply touched.

Since I wasn't able to join my classmates for their immersion a few months ago due to the Ateneo College Entrance Test, I joined the batch 8 immersion.
We went to Sitio Valentin.
Going there wasn't a convenience. Riding a boat, seeing a river with floating trash and yellow submarines.. But I was in for a surprise after all.

I was assigned to Nanay Clarisssa. When we went there, she was still at work so Richmond and Maya welcomed Luigi(my partner) and I. Richmond was typical at first glance but be careful not to overlook his mature insights.
Okay. So, I'm not really good at telling stories so I'll cut to the chase.
When we were leaving for the second day, he cried. I was deeply touched. Who would've thought that a kid as young as 5 or 6 could love people so easily?
Gah. Couldn't organize my thoughts.Someday, I'll give justice to what you have made us feel, Richmond.

I wish I could..

• ..go bungee jumping. Why couldn’t I? Coz of geographical hindrance.
• ..grow taller. Why couldn’t I? Because it’s hereditary and my dad is short and my younger brother just got really really tall because of too much lactose tolerance.
• ..become thinner, lose weight. Why couldn’t I? Because I can’t stop eating.
• ..have a pimple-free face. Why couldn’t I? Because my face just loves collecting pus, red marks and painful lesions.
• ..have more time to hang out with my ‘real’ friends: the ones who could actually makes me happy, in a far-from-shallow way.
• ..talk to my dad more. Enough said.
• ..be more responsible with my time, my school stuff.
• ..watch more TV and spend less time online.
• ..love
• ..be loved

Howdy mates!

Lately, I've been really active on Tumblr, pouring random emo-ness. I just do not know when to post things on Tumblr and when to post them here.

But just the same, I just want to pour things out.

So yeah. Tomorrow, we shall perform again for the Speech Choir. I hate stuff like this. For three years, I've been shouting my heart out usually just for a simple command which cannot be executed well by brainiacs which happen to be in close proximity to me. Okay. Kidding. So yeah, I, being someone who actually cares about his grades(yes, these gruesome activities are graded.), cannot just leave things alone and be passive. I am urged. I need to think. I need to act. I need to command..

But right now, I'm slacking off. I'm letting everything slip out. I'm letting my ideas be pulverized by short-term memory. I just stay silent and for once, I became a follower. Leading is too much of an unfulfilling task for me. And the fact that someone smarter and in a more likely position to lead is my classmate serves as the cherry on top.

Ahhhh. What a life.. What a fulfilling, lazy, laying back life.

To lose is to not gain

As the salty excretions from my eyes dry; and as steamy water wash my lifeless body, I still stand. Though not as firm as before, but I still am holding on.

Forgive me for being empty, cold and bitter. Please, just let me be for a while. For emptiness gives me more room to contain what the future might throw at me.

It was my last shot. I tattooed that to my psyche. I made a landmark of it in what little space my brain has. But when they gave out the freaking sheets of facts, I became a defenseless dog under the butcher's knife. It was anything out of the ordinary.
The moment that I needed to compile everything I know of news writing was the time when I gave up and realized how news writing wasn't really for me. Yes, it was too late. And I must suffer its consequences. I walked out of that dark room feeling the universe on my shoulders. The self-proclaimed failure shall finally be known.
It was sort of a safe haven; free from harms but vulnerable to just being static. It was safe. Just plain safe.

During the awarding ceremonies, I was not feeling anything anymore. My heart beat like it never have before. 7th..6th.......1st... No, my name wasn't announced. My heart stopped. I didn't want it to come back to the beating norm but it must, like how a bird must tweet.

I don't know how I came to this but I kept on channeling my emotion during RSPC 2005. My writing was raw, simple and basic. And that probably was what made it shine. Knowing too much and knowing too little would both mean confusion. It was a milestone in my life, a moment that I would never let my memory dispose of.  Silver. Bagging silver amidst a hundred brilliant minds. Silver. And a year after, I bagged what I think of is a mini version of a lifetime achievement award: being Outstanding Young Journalist, making me an NSPC delegate twice. A normally once in a lifetime experience for many..)except if you're Martha Ilagan, The Legend)..came to me twice. Maybe that was enough. Maybe that was all God intended to.

But still, I cannot help but to be disappointed. I wanted to make Ma'am Veran proud. I wanted her to feel that she has prepared us enough to face the challenges and the whatnot. Of course, she gave it her all and more.
She doesn't need an award to prove that she is an outstanding adviser. She doesn't. I guess, the successful writers that she has produced are her living plaques and medals, outshining any physical merit or commendation.

And about the school paper where we poured everything into and we only got one award...I don't exactly know how that happened. During the awarding for school papers, I walked out of the venue and just wanted to be with myself. I just couldn't handle seeing everyone sad. I felt that we were being stepped on when all we did was try to rise above other's standards. And The Heartbeat was my ship; I was its captain. And if people are gonna tell me that my ship was ugly then I'd have to throw my anchor at them, then. Okay, kidding. 

I broke down because it dawned on me-my failure, my shortcomings. Every little flaw that you can identify about my editorship surfaced. It was slowly killing me. It partially did. I partially died. I was just a breathing thing, a useless matter. A useless matter excreting salty, excruciating tears.

Quickie

I can't believe how dysfunctional our water system is.. Which makes our heater behave badly too. Having a heater that doesn't heat stuff is like having a heart that doesn't pump blood. It's deadly as shit.

Oh well. I can't believe that tomorrow will be the first day of my last RSPC. Bummer. I wish I could have more RSPC's but hey, I think I've had enough.

Communists.

I don't know if I'm just lacking in awareness but I don't really get why people condemn communism that much. Yes, I have been paying attention during our Economics class. I actually love that subject so much. And I salute Karl Marx! I guess I still have a lot of googling to do.

If we have chosen the position in life in which we can most of all work for mankind, no burdens can bow us down, because they are sacrifices for the benefit of all; then we shall experience no petty, limited, selfish joy, but our happiness will belong to millions, our deeds will live on quietly but perpetually at work, and over our ashes will be shed the hot tears of noble people."

— Karl Marx, in a letter to his father, 1835