I've a lot of time to figure out what I really want and need before I go and chase after them. Maybe the main cause of my dissatisfaction is how I tend to settle for what is being offered at the moment thinking  I need to take it for there might be no other chance. Maybe I was right, maybe there will be no other chance but that doesn't necessarily entail that it was a wasted opportunity. Maybe I just wasn't meant for it, that maybe fate had something more fitting to my disposition. I don't know if I am making sense but I am not giving a fuck about that right now. 
I've always thought I needed/wanted these dreamy stuff. But when I get them, I am left with nothing but disappointment. I guess it's time to take a break from finding and focus more on getting by.

If the world was less judgmental, maybe people would be truer and more genuine. The fright of prejudice constricts, causing us to engage ourselves in making these cover ups just to fit into a certain socially accepted norm. Break the norm and you might just end up being laughed at or criticized for being different.
I'd have to admit that there are far more things I could've been more confident to the public about if it weren't for the given counter reaction. Being a person conscious of how other people perceive him, the truthfulness to my identity is often compromised, if not concealed.

It's kinda weird having neutral feelings. And recently, these are all I'm getting. No emotional height or lowness. Since I was formerly accustomed to being so happy or confining myself down in the dumps, this state of being in between is something I have yet to get used to.
You see, nothing affects me profoundly anymore. A few days ago, I tried rekindling an old flame. This wasn't just an ordinary lovey dovey cheesy situation. It started with lust which eventually led to confusion and even more question marks. It wasn't the most moral thing in the world but when you're so inclined to something, nothing matters anymore as long as you get your fill. And I longed so much for the things we did because last summer we stopped. It wasn't my decision, I was actually left behind: no talks, no whatever. But then, an opportunity opened when I saw how the other party was having a hard time fighting the urge to engage in it again. Everything felt like a reenactment except this time, it didn't feel good anymore. It felt like a chore, like a forced task. And nobody enjoys forced tasks. To think that I almost deprived myself of a good last free summer solely because of everything, and then getting it back, and feeling nothing, even hating it. I've no choice but to end it. Maybe that's how good it gets. Maybe it's time to move on and explore the vastness that the horizons we decided to graze have to offer. This didn't depress me at all, unlike last summer. It felt great actually to finally get an answer to something so bothering I couldn't even concentrate whenever it came into my mind. But I guess that's it. Everything sentence has to end in a period, exclamation point or question mark. Otherwise, it won't be a proper sentence.

You are a stranger but when I saw you that night, I felt like I know you, like I feel your sentiments without even knowing what they are in pristine detail. I felt like I could understand whatever it is that needs understanding within yourself. I felt a connection.
And so, I spent the darkness jiving and dancing to your beat.  My heart raced as I felt you, closer and with every second, with every lyric being sang, intimacy flourished. Your arms were wrapped around mine, oh how good it felt. I wanted to just take you and be passionate with you, if only the circumstances were not complicated. But they were and I did not know how you felt. And you were under the influence leaving me clueless as to who you really were when sober. My awkwardness ruined everything and thus, alcohol totally blacked your system out.
And then the days went by without me hearing from you, and that's when I concluded that it was just one night, just one chance, and maybe just another coincidence.

It's weird to feel this way, to finally take one of your what ifs and immortalize it, realizing what really lurks behind that question mark. It's a big no. I really thought I wanted something so badly that made me feeling so desperate but when I finally got it, it's apparently not what I need. Now, I do not know what I need.

Brag

In this post I shall brag because I believe I deserve to.
My first college semester's over and the grades are released. I cannot contain how utterly content I am with the results of all my hard work, procrastination and cramming. I just have to continue my willingness to get high grades. As far as I know, I got an A in Zoology Lab, B+ in Filipino, English and Literature and B in Zoology Lecture. I could've done better but hey, my qpi's in the Dean's list range. I have a basic subject, Math, though so I couldn't gain DL status. Oh well.
I am happy.

I don't want to hope for the day that the two of us will hook up again.
Things are so rough without communication. And I can't just continuously try to decipher from your 146-character-or-less tweets of vagueness. We can't continue this. We're like two blind mice in a huge box trying to find each other through what's left of our functional senses. It's hard and I'm too damn tired to carry on.
Anyways, I know there's a lot more in store for me. I don't want to spend my precious time in waiting for something to happen when no one is moving to actually concretize things.

The time off school is giving me lots of time to formulate thoughts which lean more on life's lessons rather than the usual academe. And voila, the usual random sentences of profound meanings popped into my head again. I miss these. They suddenly disappeared when I was so preoccupied with school. I had no time and probably brain cells dedicated to this during class days.
Exhibit A:
You won’t realize the worth of fancy underwear until you have sex..or run around town wearing only your undies
I know, it seems kinky and green in nature. But digging deep, you'll realize its true message. You see, it's so much easier to appreciate things when we see their full potential. We usually observe the absurdity of oddities like yeah, underwear, we question why they need to have styles and designs when they'll be hidden anyway.
Exhibit B:
You can't just stop at every intersection. You won't make it to your destination on time. Sometimes, you have to be aggressive.
In short, take the risk sometimes. And probably stop being a pushover too. Show people that you have aggression within and that you can rise up and make yourself heard.
Exhibit C:
You can't just sit down all day and wait for things to happen. You have to make them happen.
Many people surrender everything to fate. But what they do not realize is, well although it may sound cliche, fate is in their hands. We are what we make ourselves, right? 

Semestral Break

It's my first semestral break ever and man does it feel weird. It's not summer but I've a really long rest from papers, tests and lessons. I'm snoozing my ass off while these high school students are still striving to get that high mark.

On another note, the extra time off gives me the opportunity to hang out at our bakeshop and help the staff out. I just love assisting them and plus points from my parents too, who sometimes give me money for working hard. Yeah.
Anyway, aside from having fun, I also get to observe people. I'm not judging them because that's bad. I just looked for trends and commonalities.
One very saddening observation though is how most customers ask so many questions despite the answers being in front of them, as they say in a Filipino proverb that if the answer was a snake, the person would've been bitten already. It's kinda annoying to repeat things over and over again when you know people can figure it out on their own. They always ask the price of this variant and that. I wish they'd ask more intelligent questions. And according to my cousin who regularly works there, it has always been like that with customers.
This brought me back to F. Sionil's article entitled Why We Are Shallow which we evaluated for our final paper in English. I don't know if such can be a proof of shallowness but it is alarming.

Death

It is an understatement to say that talking or asking about a death is awkward and very sensitive. Death brings out a lot of emotions from people especially those close to the departed. And as much as talking about it is said to be therapeutic, it is a topic that’s hard to decipher. 

Two weeks ago, I lost an uncle to stroke. Everything was sudden. He was a strong and energetic man molded by decades of working in the fields, and always had a smile on his face. He’s the eldest of ten children; my mom was the ninth. Yeah, they were relatively poor and farming was their only means of living. Being the eldest of ten kids, he had a natural sense of leadership.

I wasn’t able to attend his funeral because I was stuck here in QC. I really wasn’t able to comfort my cousin who’s really close to me. She sent me a personal message on Facebook and I started to do what I should, giving her words of encouragement and all.

But it wasn’t easy. I know how words could not really work their magic briefly when it comes to something so sensitive that it brings out emotions we never thought existed. No matter how I tell her to keep being stronger and that whatever happening’s a challenge that would make us better persons in the process, I know it’s still hard to accept the fact that she lost someone dear to her and it’ll take a lot of time for her to recover. 

I just wish she’ll go back to her cheerful self. I wanna see her smiling when I come back home.