There are many things that I would like to say to you but I don't know how.

I couldn't expect you to be there waiting for me to fix myself up and come back to you. That would make me the most unfair person ever. I never gave any signs of assurance anyway, and I did neglect you. It just dawned on me how everything's over. We've shared a lot of highs and lows, and I must tell you, I enjoyed every bit of them. You deserve better than me, I can assure you that. I hope you're happy now. You deserve all the happiness you can have. I love(d) you.

It leaves me in awe how some people capture what appears to be eyesores to the naked eye and turn them into grandiose sceneries, its flaws into aesthetics, and the emptiness into substance. That is the magic of the photographers: the transformation of long forgotten or highly damaged edifices, the transition from something that might as well be garbage into relevant and thought provoking messages. If only my mind could work like a photographer does, then maybe I would see clearer answers and not queries in response to former queries too. Maybe I could better understand the depth in reason and appreciate varied viewpoints.
It is tedious to see everything in a blur, to question and be questioned, and to fail and settle for dead ends.

After a sudden influx of thoughts I so long kept in the closet, scared that they may destroy the illusion of happiness that I am trying to create, and after the nth sad song that doesn't necessarily comfort me but rather captures the sentiments tackling my fragile self, I have come to a hunch that what I may have been doing for the past few months was in the name of denial and pretense. It's not bad to be happy but it's detrimental to feign happiness because when everything you've wanted to not feel is stocked in a place with jeopardy lurking, one day will come and that cover will come crushing down and you are left with only bits and pieces of the gladness you once thought was already yours.
I have not felt loved for the longest time ever. I mean, yes, my family and friends love me and all but you know the kind of love I am talking about. I just need a hug, a kiss, a cuddle when it gets cold. I need an I love you when everything feels distant, sad or uncontrolled.

Being happy, or at least content, with my present major does not necessarily mean that I do not have other obscure thoughts about the decisions I made. You see, I'm a bad decision-maker and if only people knew the stuff I chose, then they could consider me an immoral idiot, not that I'm not okay with that. Anyway, sometimes I really wish I could say "I'm taking this up because I want to be a doctor of this specialty someday." Yes, that thought still lingers especially having batch mates who are pursuing this track. If only I did not lose my interest, and patience, for the sciences then I would have had a different major right now and I'd be worrying about Botany and Zoology like I've never worried before. Although this bothers me sometimes, I still cannot force myself to think of shifting. I'm not that science geek anymore and as much as I want to revive it, it's too late.
My feelings are a blur right now. And I'm too lazy to do something about them. Oh well. Save yourself, Aldrin. Before you are disabled.