After a sudden influx of thoughts I so long kept in the closet, scared that they may destroy the illusion of happiness that I am trying to create, and after the nth sad song that doesn't necessarily comfort me but rather captures the sentiments tackling my fragile self, I have come to a hunch that what I may have been doing for the past few months was in the name of denial and pretense. It's not bad to be happy but it's detrimental to feign happiness because when everything you've wanted to not feel is stocked in a place with jeopardy lurking, one day will come and that cover will come crushing down and you are left with only bits and pieces of the gladness you once thought was already yours.
I have not felt loved for the longest time ever. I mean, yes, my family and friends love me and all but you know the kind of love I am talking about. I just need a hug, a kiss, a cuddle when it gets cold. I need an I love you when everything feels distant, sad or uncontrolled.